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50 Ways to Beat the Market

“The answer is all inside your head,”
She said to me.
“Investing is easy
If you take it logically.
I’d like to help you in your struggle
To be free.
There must be 50 ways to beat the market.”

She said “It’s really not my habit
To intrude.
Furthermore, I hope my meaning
Won’t be lost or misconstrued.
But I’ll repeat myself,
At the risk of being crude:
There must be 50 ways to beat the market.”

Fifty ways to beat market.

Don’t stick with the pack, Jack.
Follow your plan, Stan.
Tune out the noise, Royce, and go your own way.

Fire your advisor, Liza.
Throw out those charts, Bart.
Own your mistakes, Drake, and learn as you go.

No IPOs, Flo.
Pay a good price, Bryce.
Don’t chase mo-mo, Lolo; hot money goes cold.

Nix on the VIX, slick.
Buy some small caps, chaps.
Stop day tradin’, Aiden; you’re just wastin’ time.

High ROICs, please.
Forget about margin, Marvin.
Eyes on the cash, Nash, and watch those debts.

Read a 13F, Hef.
Clone a smart guy, Pabrai.
Look for those cannibals, Hannibal; buybacks taste good.

Read Ben Graham, Pam.
Listen to Munger, youngster.
Trust John Malone, Sloan; it worked with TCI.

No Hail Marys, Larry.
Know your downside, Clyde.
Invest with a founder, Xander; they make the best CEOs.

Don’t chase yield, Neil.
Buy some warrants, Torrence.
Shoulda bought Google, McDougal, but don’t dwell on the past…

She said, “It grieves me so
To see you in such pain.
I wish there was something I could do
To make you smile again.”

I said, “I appreciate that, and would you please explain about the 50 ways?”

Concentrate, Nate.
Go unhedged, Ted.
No panic sells, Zell; that’s a rookie mistake.

Get a net-net, Chet.
Forget about gold, Joel.
Measure the moats, totes, both width and depth.

Take a long view, Stu.
Defer that tax, Max.
Do your own homework, Marv, and watch Wall Street.

Time arbitrage, Rog.
Sell covered calls, y’all.
Volatility is your friend, Ben; make it work for you.

Hardware is bad, Chad.
Say no to retail, Ishmael.
Be choosy with banks, Hank, and buy below book.

Read a 10-K, Clay.
Talk to a customer, Buster.
Turn off your TV, Lee, and check Glassdoor.

Dial into that call, Paul.
Tear into that proxy, Roxy.
Get a board seat, Ajit, and shake things up.

Avoid value traps, Paps.
Buy with blood in the street, Zeke.
Mind your garden, Arden, and pull out the weeds…

She said, “Why don’t we both
Just sleep on it tonight?
And I believe in the morning
You’ll begin to see the light.”

And then she kissed me
And I realized she probably was right:
There must be 50 ways to beat the market.

Fifty ways to beat the market.

Joe Magyer and The Motley Fool own shares of Google. The Motley Fool’s disclosure policy won’t slip out the back, Jack.

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